Thursday, May 8, 2008

I'm wondering if any of you are struggling as I am.

I actually had a vision of my own body, from head to toe, being swallowed up in mud today. Not just mud, but disgusting, filthy, toxic muck. I was sinking into it because of the darkness in my heart that weighs tons.

I spoke out loud and sought God for 45 minutes about my condition. I believe He brings me words I am supposed to share. These are the words he placed on my heart....

You allow yourself to sink in the mud everytime someone upsets you and you keep it on your mind. You keep seeking fairness and equality, which does not exist outside of Me, and it never will. You expect too much of people, and at your rate of expectation, you will never be satisfied. Seek only Me and let me handle the rest. You are good, child, to ask me to clean your heart and renew your spririt everyday. You are good to confess your thoughts that weigh you down and I'm happy to cleanse you when you are sincere. Only the Heaven in the Kingdom with me, that awaits you, will ever offer you the freedom from hurt that you seek. For now I can only promise that I will keep my promises to you. You will be well. Keep asking me everyday to cleanse and renew you. I will.

I'm one of those people that normally does the right thing. I usually don't say things I would later regret (anymore), and I do not smack people even when they deserve it. (Amen!). I also try very hard to see my wrongs and right them, or apologize....or whatever necessary. But my mind sure does play out other scenerios. It curses people out. It gets them back quick. The darkness in my heart grows....and I have to beg it out and I have to bring that darkness to God and pray he forgives it....but not only forgive it.....I beg him to remove it! I don't want to smack people in my mind. I don't want to scream and yell and hurt and torment others.....whether the friend that betrays me, the business associate who steals from me, or the angry driver who flips me off for only driving 70 mph. I don't want to judge my saved brothers and sisters for their behaviors any more than I want them to judge mine. I just want to be clean!!!!!



Monica said...

Oh Melissa, it is easy to control our actions (usually) but, I so know what you mean, by the thoughts in our mind. It is something I struggle with all the time and pray about. Know that you are not alone in this and I will keep you in my prayers. :)

brandiandboys said...

Great reminder Melissa. I'll be praying for you!

bransblahg said...

Wandered over here via "brandiandboys" b/c I saw you said you have three boys...and that caught my eye. Plus what you said about blogging was really good too. ;-) I have three boys and love to read blogs of other moms of boys. ;-)

This post was AMAZINGLY accurate for me right now. AMAZINGLY.

Thank you for sharing it. :D