Sunday, June 21, 2009

Perpetual Time-Out

Man. Today is talking to me. I'll be interested to see what I write here.

Asher was doing something annoying. I was trying to read my Bible while he and Shawn played. The annoying thing was near me. I asked him to stop, twice. He continued and he made eye contact with me to see how I would react. Two words..."time out". That's all it took. He plopped himself into the time-out chair and I continued to read. 10 mintues later and the apologies began to roll off his tongue. He reached across my bible and into my lap for the forgiving arms and the momma kisses. I set aside my bible and embraced him even bigger than he expected. I always do. Forgiveness. Done.

Why did it take him 10 minutes to apologize? I was actually quite content with the quiet and my ability to focus. I wasn't anticipating his apology, but I knew it would eventually come. Longer time-outs are more effective, I think. More time to reflect. More time to burn and melt and cool and thaw. More time to process. More time to get it.

Fast-forward 4 hours. I'm in the shower. I'm processing some of what I have read and written today. Washing my hair, minding my own business and I start to cry a little. Just a 30 second cry...nothing major, just a quick and sudden release of something and then a fresh smile. I realized......I'm in time-out. God has put me in time-out.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not trying to portray Him as the punisher. He didn't beat me or scream at me. He has just placed me in a corner and he's not going to let me out until I have fully reflected on why I'm in time-out in the first place. Maybe I spent too much money on things I didn't need. Maybe I haven't played the right role in my marriage. Maybe I am working too hard at a career that God didn't plan for me. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough to pursue the things that God has placed on my heart.

I'm not totally certain, and I'm sure that is part of my problem. I haven't blatantly sinned or failed to repent. But I ask Him sometimes. Why is this season of life so hard? Why am I indecisive? Why can I not come up for air? Why won't our house sell? Where am I supposed to be? What is missing? Why am I not living up to being the mom I know I can be? And the wife? Why do I let Joe do more than his fair share? Why do I feel promptings with no direction? It's crazy. I tell Him what I'm learning and how I understand more today than I did 6 months ago and a year ago. I feel like I keep asking..."Can I get out of time-out now? Please? I'm sorry and I get it...can't I just carry on now?" And He keeps saying...."a little longer". It is as if I am in time-out perpetually...thinking, reflecting, trying, searching, serving, loving, growing.....and trying to discern where to go from here. Without choices, without options....I don't know where to go.

I am learning a lot in this season of facing the public school system with my special needs child. I am learning a lot in this season of showing gazillions of houses to tons of clients and not ever knowing when the payday is going to come. I am learning a lot in this season of being too tired to exercise. I am learning in the stress, fear, anxiety. I am learning a lot in this season of having no money no money no money.

I am learning a lot in this season of wanting less but still stuck with more. I am learning much in this season of having a heart shaped like Africa and arms that want to hold more orphans.

I have things I want to do, people I want to serve, words I want to write and praise I want to sing and shout. This time out isn't a punishment. I'm not in trouble. Maybe if he let's me out, my heart will explode and create a disaster. Maybe I'm in time-out so my passion and emotion can be contained and released in more management increments. Who knows? I guess it doesn't really matter.

Am I thinking about what I'm doing? Yes. Am I learning? Yes. Do I know where I'll go when my state of time-out comes to an end? No. But God does. And I know that before I go there, He'll give me His embrace, even bigger and tighter that I ever expected.


"Lolli" said...

Do u know that u bless my socks off with your writing! I so appreciate your transparency in this post; I'm so on the exact same page as you and i had a huge cry today! I am blessed, I am grateful, I know I am forgiven...but I am in a desert season, too. i love you so much, and hope we can get together soon and share! I am praing for you sister!

Love you!


Sarah said...

It's good to be back home from vacation and read your blog again. I've missed it and you. Will catch up soon.