Processing

I feel like I am spending an awful lot of my life these days, just processing.

My Dad, whom I am not in contact with, was an amateur photographer. I remember as a child, that he had a bedroom in our house that he used as a "photography studio" and a music room. Sometimes, he would let me hang out with him in the dark room and watch him develop film. I remember that the chemicals smelled bad. I remember that there was always a lot of anticipation over what the final outcome would be. I remember that before a photograph was fully developed, that it would be cloudy, hazy, out of focus, and unidentifiable. Eventually though, after the process of processing (HA), things would be clear. I could fully see the end result, identify every detail, and enjoy the clairty of a moment in time that was captured. Ironically, most of those photographs were of me. So I would literally watch myself develop. I watched as myself, would come into focus.

I hope my Dad is enjoying those photos, by the way. He opted to keep memories of my childhood instead of allowing a mature adult relationship to "develop". I digress....

Back to me...... life is processing all around me. Things are developing. Today, I feel like I am sitting in the dark room waiting for it all to become clear. I am watching as I see hints of myself, my family, and my life....come into focus. I am praying for good and positive things. As odd or even untruthful as this might sound, I genuinely appreciate that God is allowing a muddied, unclear focus for now....as I believe it is all for His glory, and He will use me somehow. He will use my whole family. I am trying to love Him with all my heart and delight in Him at all times. I believe He is creating a new heart in me that will make this possible.

But I'll admit....I'm antsy. What are you doing Lord? What are you doing with me and where am I going and how will I get there and when will I get there and how will I know when I'm there and are you with me and will you stay with me and never leave and will you show me your path, in case I have veered off?

I believe that God is enormous and magnificent. I believe that He is all power and glory and love. I believe He is in control and that He has a plan.

I'm eager to see it in focus. No gray.