Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Processing

I feel like I am spending an awful lot of my life these days, just processing.

My Dad, whom I am not in contact with, was an amateur photographer. I remember as a child, that he had a bedroom in our house that he used as a "photography studio" and a music room. Sometimes, he would let me hang out with him in the dark room and watch him develop film. I remember that the chemicals smelled bad. I remember that there was always a lot of anticipation over what the final outcome would be. I remember that before a photograph was fully developed, that it would be cloudy, hazy, out of focus, and unidentifiable. Eventually though, after the process of processing (HA), things would be clear. I could fully see the end result, identify every detail, and enjoy the clairty of a moment in time that was captured. Ironically, most of those photographs were of me. So I would literally watch myself develop. I watched as myself, would come into focus.

I hope my Dad is enjoying those photos, by the way. He opted to keep memories of my childhood instead of allowing a mature adult relationship to "develop". I digress....

Back to me...... life is processing all around me. Things are developing. Today, I feel like I am sitting in the dark room waiting for it all to become clear. I am watching as I see hints of myself, my family, and my life....come into focus. I am praying for good and positive things. As odd or even untruthful as this might sound, I genuinely appreciate that God is allowing a muddied, unclear focus for now....as I believe it is all for His glory, and He will use me somehow. He will use my whole family. I am trying to love Him with all my heart and delight in Him at all times. I believe He is creating a new heart in me that will make this possible.

But I'll admit....I'm antsy. What are you doing Lord? What are you doing with me and where am I going and how will I get there and when will I get there and how will I know when I'm there and are you with me and will you stay with me and never leave and will you show me your path, in case I have veered off?

I believe that God is enormous and magnificent. I believe that He is all power and glory and love. I believe He is in control and that He has a plan.

I'm eager to see it in focus. No gray.

4 comments:

Sarah said...

What a perfect analogy! I've never personally experienced photo processing in a darkroom, but I can relate to the way things come into focus in my life.

Your heart is right where it needs to be. God is developing something wonderful in your life!

fallengirl said...

I'm right there with you. I am watching God change some things in my life right now and I have no idea where I am going to end up. Watching the process gets scary at times but we have to believe God will never develop imperfect pictures. He is the greatest photographer there is. No amateur about him.

Pete Wilson said...

Well said Melissa.

daniellehodgson said...

I'm so with you, sister.

I love how your wrote this. My heart could relate...