Friday, May 15, 2009

Sharing the Darkness

Hi. It's just little'ole me. How are you doing? Seriously, I'd love to know.

I'll be honest. I'm not doing so hot. I am struggling with the reality that I am overweight. I think the sadness I experienced in Zimbabwe, combined with the stress I surpressed over Shawn's surgery for 3 months prior, caused me to need to eat more. I have gained weight. I think I have stopped gaining by now, but I have not started losing. I'm trying to get started.

We are struggling in this economy. I am completely hating the financial aspect of all of this. We used to have savings. Now we don't. We owe more than we ever have before. And there is nothing else to cut back. It is unpleasant. I have a lot of real estate clients and so I am prayerful that things will turn around.

On top of these things, there is also this thing in my spirit that keeps telling me there is a change ahead for us. God is doing something. I don't know what. But I feel pretty confident that He is doing something that is going to rattle us and shake us up. I think we are going to be surprised, but not completely shocked. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm just feeling it, and have been for a few months now. I'd like to tell you I have more info than that, but I don't. Not yet.

The stress, anxiety and fear that I keep snatching back into my grips is not healthy. I know that I need to surrender it all, and I do work hard at this. I am actually trying less to be in control than you might think. I'm not making plans. I'm not trying to manipulate anything into going my way....because I don't even have a way and don't want a way. I feel like I do have a helmut on, and a life-jacket, ready for anything....but still dreading it. A helmut for the impact that might hurt. A life-jacket for the potential drowning. You know....none of that really sounds fun, but coming out the other side and looking back will be a doubt.

Joe is awesome. He is really taking his relationship with Christ very seriously and He is serving in obedience, in ways that are new to him. What I love the most about this is that God brought Joe to this place of faith....not me. I haven't influenced him or made any suggestions....he is just doing it. That gives me hope. I need him to be a spiritual leader over me. I need for him to ralley around our little unit and lead us into God's will. I even need him to suffer.....not in a bad way.....but just in the way that lets me know that I am not carrying the burden alone in my heart and mind. Joe has always been so laid back and even. He wouldn't know a crisis if it smacked him upside the head. I think that is changing. A crisis to rock his world, that is ordained, appointed and allowed by God himself could literally be a priceless treasure to us this side of heaven.

I don't know where we are going or when we will get there. But I believe Jesus is already there, and He is waiting for us, leading the way, making it possible. I'll be so happy to know where that is, and can share it with everyone.

Until then, it is dark. It feels like a cave, with no light and no way out. But I know that isn't true. I do believe that the darkness is so necessary for the light to shine to its brightest capacity. I've seen it and lived it before. God is good.

My hearts desire to be authentic and transparent. If I don't share the depth of my darkness with you, then I'm not being obedient to that calling in my life. The Christian life is not about judging others, being critical, or gossip with a holier than thou attitude. The Christian life is about living the way Jesus did, and being constantly aware of His purpose, His glory, and this journey to Heaven, and all that we can bring along. It is also about obedience, of course.... dying to the sin in our lives and taking up the cross. I was never promised an easy life, financial security, or my own ability to make plans. But I was promised joy and peace that surpasses all understanding. And I have that.


Faye said...

Melissa, you do not struggle alone, with any of that.
I'm overweight. Without a doubt, I know that I'm to be with the youth again this summer on mission. This year: Mobile, AL. July. Hot. Humid. There just is not enough baby powder, ya know? I'm working on it, though. For the first time in my life, it's not because I want to look good. It's because I want to be healthy enough to not have a heart attack while I'm sharing my life with the students.
I'm dealing with finances, too -- I'm working at trusting God, because I know, I KNOW He provides.

Here's the thing. I think God laid on my heart something you need. You know those "WOW!" moments when you read something or watch a video? I had one this morning and couldn't type fast enough to put it on my blog. We've never met, my sister, but I'll be one of the helper-elephants for you. Promise.

Tracy said...


Hiya. Thanks for blogging your true heart. It is one of the many things I love about you. You really have something to say and something to share. Am in my own cave right now and, um, let's just say I am not a cave person!!

You had to be so strong leading up to, during and right after Shawn's surgery. I know because I am a mother but I don't really know because none of my children have gone through what Shawn just went through. Quite honestly, I am proud and amazed that you didn't "crash" sooner, deeper and longer.

There comes a time when you sit somewhere and it all comes rushing through you . . . what you have endured. And it is not pity, because you are not made that way, but it is a tenderness for your own spirit. A sense of depletion and a knowledge that you must find His way to refill your own reserve.

I can only hope to play some small part in filling you up.

Much love,

Tracy said...

I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name
Isaiah 45:3

this is working for me and will for you, i know! praying for you----love your transparent heart! :)

Melissa said...

sweet friend of my heart---I am praying. I wish I could come and be a more tangible friend---a walking partner and helper-friend to you when you need to show houses.

I don't like what you're feeling, but I am excited to see how God will show up in the details of everything. And He will show up.

Thank you for being authentically you. You are so real and so willing to put it all out there.

Be blessed, my dear!
twin m

danielle said...


Thanks for being so open. Those seasons are so hard and tiring...but I was encouraged to read of your perspective and hope.

I want to send you an email (if I have your email address!)

Sarah said...

I am feeling the same way about something scary but necessary being just around the corner. Sometimes fear takes my breath away, but then I remember the promises God has given me. I know that his plan can be trusted. I know he'll take care of all of us. You're so right. He never promised us financial security, but something so much more valuable--peace.

I'm glad to hear of the changes in Joe. It gives me hope that the same might happen to Bill. Both of us feel threatened by the layoffs at our company. I'm praying that our struggles will draw us closer to each other and to God.

Joe sounds a lot like Bill. Bill never gets rattled either, NEVER worries. Mostly I love that about him, but sometimes I want him to help carry the burden with me.

Thank you for sharing from your heart. I'll look forward to hearing what God teaches you through this.