Sharing the Darkness

Hi. It's just little'ole me. How are you doing? Seriously, I'd love to know.

I'll be honest. I'm not doing so hot. I am struggling with the reality that I am overweight. I think the sadness I experienced in Zimbabwe, combined with the stress I surpressed over Shawn's surgery for 3 months prior, caused me to need to eat more. I have gained weight. I think I have stopped gaining by now, but I have not started losing. I'm trying to get started.

We are struggling in this economy. I am completely hating the financial aspect of all of this. We used to have savings. Now we don't. We owe more than we ever have before. And there is nothing else to cut back. It is unpleasant. I have a lot of real estate clients and so I am prayerful that things will turn around.

On top of these things, there is also this thing in my spirit that keeps telling me there is a change ahead for us. God is doing something. I don't know what. But I feel pretty confident that He is doing something that is going to rattle us and shake us up. I think we are going to be surprised, but not completely shocked. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm just feeling it, and have been for a few months now. I'd like to tell you I have more info than that, but I don't. Not yet.

The stress, anxiety and fear that I keep snatching back into my grips is not healthy. I know that I need to surrender it all, and I do work hard at this. I am actually trying less to be in control than you might think. I'm not making plans. I'm not trying to manipulate anything into going my way....because I don't even have a way and don't want a way. I feel like I do have a helmut on, and a life-jacket, ready for anything....but still dreading it. A helmut for the impact that might hurt. A life-jacket for the potential drowning. You know....none of that really sounds fun, but coming out the other side and looking back will be a blessing....no doubt.

Joe is awesome. He is really taking his relationship with Christ very seriously and He is serving in obedience, in ways that are new to him. What I love the most about this is that God brought Joe to this place of faith....not me. I haven't influenced him or made any suggestions....he is just doing it. That gives me hope. I need him to be a spiritual leader over me. I need for him to ralley around our little unit and lead us into God's will. I even need him to suffer.....not in a bad way.....but just in the way that lets me know that I am not carrying the burden alone in my heart and mind. Joe has always been so laid back and even. He wouldn't know a crisis if it smacked him upside the head. I think that is changing. A crisis to rock his world, that is ordained, appointed and allowed by God himself could literally be a priceless treasure to us this side of heaven.

I don't know where we are going or when we will get there. But I believe Jesus is already there, and He is waiting for us, leading the way, making it possible. I'll be so happy to know where that is, and can share it with everyone.

Until then, it is dark. It feels like a cave, with no light and no way out. But I know that isn't true. I do believe that the darkness is so necessary for the light to shine to its brightest capacity. I've seen it and lived it before. God is good.

My hearts desire to be authentic and transparent. If I don't share the depth of my darkness with you, then I'm not being obedient to that calling in my life. The Christian life is not about judging others, being critical, or gossip with a holier than thou attitude. The Christian life is about living the way Jesus did, and being constantly aware of His purpose, His glory, and this journey to Heaven, and all that we can bring along. It is also about obedience, of course.... dying to the sin in our lives and taking up the cross. I was never promised an easy life, financial security, or my own ability to make plans. But I was promised joy and peace that surpasses all understanding. And I have that.