Who Knows?

We all believe in authenticity here, right? My past transformed me. It continues to. This blog is a diary. An excavation. An unearthing and a revelation. It doesn't have to be remarkable or memorable. I just want it to be real.

When I was approximately 19 years old, the process of my first divorce began. He was the boy I broke up with my boyfriend to marry, because I was carrying his child. He was my old boyfriend. My new boyfriend was stunned. Either way, this was the path I chose. We sat in our rented farmhouse outside of Cookeville, Tennessee. Shag carpet, lousy heating and air. Mice. $210 per month. He told me he was leaving and I continued to watch TV. He would have left right then because I didn't fight for him to stay with me and our 9 month old baby. He didn't have a car. The next day, I drove him 90 miles away to his parents house.

So be it.

Soon, baby Spencer and I were living in public housing in Cookeville. I collected foodstamps and was on the WIC program. Spencer went to government subsidized daycare while I went to work at the video store. Soon, the electricity was cut off and the eviction notice came. The $800 Visa card had been maxxed out at Walmart. My car had been driven for 2 years without an oil change. Were it not for the love of that sweet baby Spencer, who knows what I would have tried, where I would have ended up. Who knows?

I have no memory of moving out of that apartment. In fact, other than Spencers tiny room with the little crib, and the view out of the top story window down onto the parking lot and the dumpster, I only recall listening to Edie Brickell and Wilson on my radio. And singing alot.

Fast forward to my next apartment in Nashville. Spencer & I shared a room. Mauve carpet...it was so en vogue at the time. Spencer might have been 2. Maybe 3. I had a job, although I don't recall which one it was at the time. I have no idea how I survived financially. I'm pretty sure I didn't.

One night on the TV, after being glued to the stories of the starving children in Africa with large bellies and flies on their eyeballs.....I sponsored a child. I could barely feed the baby I had in our one-bedroom apartment but I sponsored a little boy in Zambia. I could not wait to receive the information in the mail with his photo and a story about him. When it arrived, it went on my fridge. I have no idea how long I paid to sponsor him. I think it was several months before I finally had to back out. It broke my heart. I cannot remember his name. I have no idea what my backing out did to his life, or if someone else sponsored him right away. Who knows?

I know that I have been passionate about Africa, orphans, and starving children ever since. I can recall dreaming about going to Africa, way back then....but like the prospect of me flying to the moon feels impossible today, so did an African encounter then. It was never going to happen. Never. No doubt about it.

Stepping my middle class white girl feet onto devastated African soil last year was absolutely a miracle taking place in my physical life as much as it was a miraculous God-injected enlargement of my spiritual heart. Through His nudge and His faithfulness, without (me) ever planning a moment of that to take place in my life, He created my African encounter. I met children and children met me. Amazing things took place. What if I hadn't gone? Who knows?

If I could redesign my life today, map out my future and follow the steps, those steps would lead to Africa. My family and I would reside there and we would love on the village around us. We would share love and food. We would praise. We would teach. We would nurse wounds and heal hearts. But I'm not in control of my life. That might not be Gods' plan. Who knows?

The Lord knows.

Zimbabwe - 17 more days

Stacking Bricks

My past and future experiences in Zimbabwe are officially racing through my blood and beating with extra power in all 4 chambers of my heart. I'm obsessed. Cannot get Zim out of my mind.

The experiences from last year flood my memory like a wave. There are specific children I cannot wait to see. They will not understand when they see me and I am sobbing because I miss them and love them. Especially the ones who do not even speak English. They will most likely remember all of my hugs and kisses, because that is what I am famous for. There is one little boy I can smell. I can smell him right now. His dirty hair and skin. His unclean sweater. I can smell him right this minute and could cry a river. When I held Shawn this morning in my garden chair, I could literally sense that in a 3 weeks, with the same love, I'll hold others. It is bizarre to say the least. But it is a love God gave me. That is all I know. And I'm thankful for it. Love in abundance.

My future experiences are meeting me in my sleepy dreams. I have no idea what special things will occur on this trip. I cannot predict, but my mind is working overtime in the expectation that I will come home more filled than I could imagine. I keep remembering the letter that I received via email, from Sarah in Zimbabwe who told me "I remember everything you told me about God". What if our conversation really made a difference in our life? What if God really worked through me to reach her? My heart could pound right out of my chest this very moment. I want more of THAT! Oh God....please.

I am continuing to raise more and more, almost having raised enough funds to sponsor every teenager in the Rose of Sharon Orphange Home, to go to a Christian camp in December. If you want to sponsor a child to go to this camp, the cost is $80. Please contact me and I'll let you know how. It is going to be an amazing, life changing, faith increasing experience for every child. I just wish I could go to camp with them in December to witness the immeasurable increase in their hope and faith. This is what they need at this time in their lives....as they are about to be too old to stay in the orphanage home. When a teen leaves their only home and venture out onto the streets of Zimbabwe...there is little hope.

So, for now....I dedicate as much snuggle time with Asher and Shawn as I can before I leave. Last year, God curbed the intensity of my withdrawals from them. He will again. But I still feel bricks stacking up in my heart and the dreaded anticipation of those tearful goodbye kisses.

Zim babies....I'm coming soon.

ZimAgain

I cannot decide whether to dance around my house or fall on my knees. It looks like I'm going back to Zimbabwe in November.

If you have a desire to and are able to contribute to my fundraising...please contact me.

But for now, I'm dancing and praying.

I cannot wait to see these children again, and the precious teenage girls who rocked my world.

Zim, baby!

I Saw Our Freedom

So, there's this piece of my trip to Zimbabwe that I haven't really been able to articulate. Have I mentioned that Zimbabwe is REALLY far away? I always swore that I would NEVER go anywhere that required me to be on a plane for more than a few hours. I am claustrophobic and also very sensitive to motion sickness. But trust me, God says yes even when we say no, and I'm sure I'm not supposed to argue with God. (I've learned this several times!)

One of my layovers was in Washington D.C. When I left Zim, I flew 19 hours (including a stop for fuel without de-planing) to Washington D.C Dulles International airport. We landed on time. I arrived to my next gate on time. I could almost taste my children....as I would be seeing them in 2 hours. Home free..............almost. See, I had to be slowed up/down in customs...so I was one of the very last to arrive to my gate. The plane had reached it's maximum weight capacity because of all the extra cargo due to Christmas gifts, etc. GREAT........here I am with ONE bag obeying all the rules.....and I get DETAINED in customs in my own country......and I can taste my children, and I'm on a schedule, and I am inconvenienced, and I can't get on my airplane to take me to my home........and I can see it through the window. 5 seats remained empty. I couldn't have one. (They let my bag on, by the way...and wouldn't let me have it back....as this makes SO much sense!) Let the tears begin......seriously people.....helpless. I have been flying and/or in an airport for the last 27 hours...am 1.5 hours away from home and I cannot go ANYWHERE. I allow my tears to flow, my head to pound and my heart to break.....then I walk to customer service to get onto another flight. I stand in THAT line for almost 2 hours, only to find out that I just missed the last flight to Nashville, TN. I seriously look at this guy like he is solely responsible for saving my life. He didn't like that look. The solution was to put me in a cab and send me way across town to the Reagan Airport, where I would get to fly into Chicago and then eventually to Nashville. I pile myself into the cab....and off I go...

off I go, passing by the Washington Monument
off I go, passing by the Arlington National Cemetery
off I go, passing the Pentagon

I saw freedom. I saw the markers of men and women who died for my freedoms, for without whom, I might not have clean drinking water. I saw government buildings and monuments that would remind me I have a government who does not shut off my power because they are greedy.... and I saw the skyline of the capital of my nation, where I can go to the hospital when I need medical treatment, and where I can send my children to school for free. I was surrounded by a population of citizens are not worried about a Cholera outbreak or an AIDS epidemic. I was breathing in the sky hovering over the city of the home of the man who says he wants to better the lives of the people of our nation, while having just left the capital of a nation that is home to a man who is so corrupt and so greedy that he cannot even recognize the truth of the beast that he is and how many lives he has caused to suffer and die as a result of his polluted heart.

I'm not saying America is perfect....nope...you'll never hear me say that. And I'm not saying our government doesn't have it's own forms of corruption..... but I am saying that this is Disneyland compared to Zim. That's all I'm saying.

I had to be detoured. God had an amazing vision for my eyes to see and a conviction for my heart. I had never been to D.C. He had a plan for me to face some realities before I could face the faces of my children, whom I am raising, in the free world, in a home with power and clean running water.

Thank you, Africa.

Thank you, United Airlines with your weight restrictions.

Thank you, friendly cab driver who was pleased to point out what God desired for me to see.

Thank you, orphans.

Thank you, Lord God.

My Year So Far

So.....2009, eh?

Well, it started off with a lot of drama. And, perhaps that is an understatement. Much of it is not really appropriate to discuss here.....so I won't, but drama certainly defines the start of this new year for me. Here we are now on day 3. So far this year, (aside from all things Asher, Shawn and Spencer), I have been horseback riding twice, have been to the grocery store twice, have had one house showing (my house is for sale).... have seen not a single one of my friends yet, have been hiking once, have cleaned my entire house once, have helped Spencer apply for about 10 jobs, have thought about the Zim kids at least 1,000 times, and I have probably burped outloud 6 times. I know that you were dying to know these things.

I am super excited about Real Estate even though the economy is not healthy. I am taking 3 listings in the next 2 weeks and am preparing to help 3 buyers begin the search for their new homes. I have ordered some updated marketing materials and will take over a new desk in my office. All of these things excite me.

My greatest hope for this year though, still centers around Zim. I have discovered through my research and a relationship I developed in Zim, that I can help these kids get clean running water on their property and that while the expense is big, it is not astronomical. I will, hopefully with the help of some fundraising efforts, help them get water this year. It will be done. I believe. I'm attaching a photo here of my favorite little boy just after he had a make-shift bath. They did not have running water on this particular day......so they re-use old dirty water, and they basically only wash their feet. It is scary and the water can be terribly unsafe.

I hope you'll consider helping with these efforts. Stay tuned!!!!

The water they currently use does not come from a reliable source and it is rarely available. Zimbabwe has had a Cholera epidemic in recent months which has resulted in thousands of deaths, and is spread through contaminated waters, and then is highly contagious between humans. 5 of the children of this home have had Cholera. At least 1 of them has already died, 1 of them recovered from the Cholera but got a nasty infection and could lose his foot/leg, and the other 3 were still in quarantine when I left Zimbabwe. They really need a clean and reliable water source.

Yo Yo Yo - God Squad

Needing a smile today......as I have spent a little bit of each day since I returned home, crying because I feel so helpless in this Zim orphanage, hunger and poverty situation. In fact.....this Christmas was difficult for me to find my joy......although I do sincerely and deeply have joy in the Lord..... my heart is still broken from Zim.


Here is a video I'd love for you to see. It is from 2 orphanages who are actually doing pretty well. While there is always a food shortage, they are making it.....but more than anything....these homes are clean and organized, the kids are clean and have clean clothes, they speak pretty good English, and they are learning academics there at a home school. These kids were gorgeous, gracious and full of hope. Their house mother is madly in love with Jesus, and in spending any time there at these 2 homes, you learn quickly that all of the kids have put their hope and faith in Him. I got to return to one of these homes and spend some amazing time with the older girls....which I have already posted about.


So, watch and enjoy the video....I don't know what this song means, but these children at both homes greeted us with the same song and dance. Let it bless you!!!!!


p.s. the guy dancing wearing a blue "God Squad" shirt is named Boss...... he rocked on many levels. I really enjoyed getting to know him. And p.s.s.. I forgot to tell you some of these kids are HIV/AIDS positive...but many of them are getting the proper meds for now.

Faces

This boy in the top center......I would have brought him home if I could have. I loved on him for 4-5 days. I never understood his name. The boy on top right in blue......is the one found a few days before my arrival on the side of the road resting next to his dead mother. His new name is "Knowledge".

These older girls above are the ones who asked me many questions about God, Jesus, prayer, life, etc. They prayed for me and I cannot describe my time with them. From left to right......the first girl came late because she has HIV and was at the clinic, so I do not know her name. The 2nd girl is sweet Emily, then both girls in front of me are named "Precious", the next girl is Nyradzu, and the last girl in red t-shirt is Deborah. They are amazing girls....and yes, they too are orphans.

This boy to the left has a name that sounds like "Tin-tone-in". He was the saddest and skinniest boy I have ever seen. He was rescued from the wild, but his siblings were not. He is worried about that. He does not speak English. He is the one who would come and either sit or stand next to me and put one arm around me, prompting me for hugs and kisses. This photo is a rare smile. I am also pictured with him above.

I have many more photos and many stories.....but for now just wanted you to see some of the faces that blessed me.

zim baby

i literally only have 8 minutes to type

it is friday here, at 9:56 am.......it is 1:56am in nashville, tn

i have visited 4 orphanges, the 5th is today. one of the homes i have served in twice and hope to spend the rest of my time there. there are 40+ children there. they eat one meal a day. they wear the same clothes every day and wash them once per week. they love love love to sing and play. some of them just want to be held. i am giving and receiving more than my fair share of hugs and kisses. it is unbelievable. i cannot describe it here in words.

i will tell you 2 quick stories.

many of the kids do not speak english but some do, and very well.

a few days ago, a young boy probably about 28 months old was rescued on the side of the road where he was found lying next to his dead mother. he was opening her eyes and trying to get her to wake. now he is in a strange home. he is afraid for people to shut their eyes...afraid they will not wake up. he is BEAUTIFUL. they do not know his name, so they call him "knowledge". i got him to laugh yesterday, and it was by far the gift of my day. turns out....he is tickelish. he also loves to receive kisses on his neck when you make the hungry chewing sound. he has my heart.

another child has my heart. i cannot spell his name, but is sounds like "Tintonin". he is probably 5 or 6 years. he has the most gorgeous face but he is incredibly skinny and he does not smile. he was rescued from the "brush" (aka wild) and he has siblings still in the brush. he is worried that they are not eating. he has only been in the home for a couple of weeks. he looks starved and sad. he walks up and puts one arm around my waist to let me know he wants a hug......and what do you think I do????? i hug him until he nearly breaks. i took a photo of him and showed it to him....it scared him. he didn't understand. i took a photo of us together and showed it to him and he smiled. he smiled. i managed to get a photo of him smiling. i will frame this photos and never forget these children.

i cannot tell you about all of them. they have a good, bad smell. some of them have aids. 3 children at this home have cholera and are dying because they cannot get the meds and do not have enough water or liquids to rehydrate. they die from dehydration....not cholera itself. one died the day before i arrived.

2 of the children walk around and look like death to me. one little girl has fallen asleep on me 2 days in a row, and she should be full of energy. her name is patricia. she is the same size as shawn, but is probably 2 years older. i heard her sing yesterday for a moment. it was lovely.


*********

my bug bites are healing and not itchy. they killed me for a couple of days. i now have luggage....but it was so appropriate that i did not have luggage for 4 days......as living without is the way of zim. it is the only way. my south african friends cook lunch and dinner everyday. they offer the greatest warmth and hospitality and the food is good. 2 others have arrived so we have 6 in total now. 4 of us are voluteers and 2 are staff. last night we stayed up late without electricity and wrote poems by candlelight. we could each only contribute one word at a time. the poem is both deep and funny. i haven't laughed so hard since i got here. they want to know about america and amercians. i am asked some challenging questions, but i tell them the truth. they all love Jesus.

****

i have been here 7 days and washed my hair once. yea....it's nice. i do get to wash with soap. we rarely have electricity except for a couple of hours in the evening, while everyone is sleeping. the spiders here are gigantic. i sleep under bug netting because it is friggin scary not to.


*********today we are going to a boys home....of older boys. we will spend most of the day...then we are delivering food and baby supplies to the babies with aids home. we have been there once. today we will spend more time. i forgot to tell you that during the 2 days we spent at the home i love (the Hatcliffe home) we painted 2 rooms, in addition to delivering a ton of food and supplies. my journey here involves physical work and a lot of loving on children. i am taking photos and getting video.


******finally before i get cut off here.......my nights, when i crawl into bed, i think of my children until i fall asleep. man........it is hard to be away from them. and even though spencer is older, he is having some tough times right now as it seems he and dana are broken up and i am worrying and missing him terribly. he sent me a text that was sad.........and i worry. i miss everyone, but i am not ready to come home. God has been so amazing to bless me with kids i have a heart for (here in zim) projects that i love (painting) and with people who are curious and want to know about america (my south african friends). i am fully filled with the love of Christ....He sustains me every moment. it is good.