Catching UP and Down

Aren't most weeks of most peoples lives sprinkled with ups and downs? It's nature. It's ebb and flow. It's life.

My ups this week..........got to see Jimmy Fallon perform at Zanies with 3 great friends on Thursday night. My face still hurts from laughing so hard. That was super fun.
I've enjoyed a little pleasure reading, having discovered the author, Anne Lamott. She is my new fav and I'm on the 3rd book. (Not typical for me).
I've started my new missions blog, as I answer the call to go and serve for God. I'm both tormented and excited about the directions God is choosing for me.
I got to see Spencer smiling one day this week, after a couple of weeks of not seeing him at all.
My mom retired on Friday, which brings her much happiness. I am so happy that she does not have to continue to spend all of her energy in a job that doesn't offer much reward.
I got to eat at Everything Bagel, at star Bagel, with a side of cream cheese.
I got to see my little friend, Amaya, who is 7.

My downs this week..........both Asher and Shawn have been sick with colds.
My pain in my neck, shoulder, back, wrist, and forearm from my wreck on 8/3 is not getting better with physical therapy.....so we seek new treatments. Yuk.
My car was supposed to be repaired, but it is not.
I said "shit" at least twice....but not in front of my children. I also cursed at a bug at Pam's barn when it would not leave me alone. (3 curse words in one week is 3 too many for me.)
I learned this past week that a precious and dear woman I know and am priviledged to do business with on a regular basis was diagnosed with breast cancer.
My sweet cousins, Julie & Scott, lost their dad this week. He took a shower, got dressed, sat on the sofa, propped up his feet, and died. He was too young (I think under 60). I can't go to the funeral in Arkansas, despite my efforts at working out all the conflicts. I hurt for them. And I am reminded again, that life is brief.

It is simply no secret that life is marbled with joyful moments and then deep despair. Everyone shares this lot in life. There is no escaping hardship. No one is immune to pain. I do believe that God equips us to use pain for good, in life. I do not believe though that everyone believes that, nor do I believe all things are wrapped up in neat and tidy packages, when it is all said and done. I do believe though, that there are opportunities in despair and there are gifts in both life and death. We just have to be willing to know that.

Mouthfull

Sorry to post 2 times today.....just necessary.

(FACES)
Last night I went to church, as usual for Sunday nights. I usually serve on the greeting team every Sunday but have scaled back to every other Sunday for a while, mostly so that I can enjoy the worship music. Last night, we had communion. I have only ever helped serve communion one other time, and that time, for some reason, we passed the elements down the aisles/pews. That time, it was a task, a process, a motion. Nothing spectacular. Last night was quite different. Instead of passing the elements, we stood at the front, while the people in the congregation stood and walked up to take the bread and the wine. I was holding a plate of the bread wafers. Probably 100 people took a wafer from my tray. Many of them looked me in the eyes, while some did not. It didn't matter. All I saw were faces. Faces, faces, faces. The faces of God. As I stood there, I was choking back tears. I loved every face. Some of those faces were of young 20-somethings with piercings and tattoos. Some faces were distinguished and proper. Some were sweet and tender. Beauty, beauty and more beauty. I had to fight back the urge to tell each person "I love you" as they took a wafer. Wow, can you imagine how Christ feels when He watches us remember him, and take part in His communion? If little ole me was moved to tears and bursts of love, could we even being to imagine His joy? I was so honored to hold that tray last night. I was so honored to be there and to be on that end of the communion line. What a joy to see His face in so many people.


(SPACES)
I went to a funeral today. An amazing woman with a true, genuine, authentic heart for Christ passed on to begin her eternity, outside of our realm. Her body no longer occupies space here on this earth, but her spirit remains and her legacy lives. I didn't know her well enough to tell her story, but I can tell you this. Her name was Melissa Schuler. She was 46. She died of aggressive cancer, and leaves behind her 19 year old son, Thomas, and her husband of 5 years, Lance. From the time she was diagnosed, a little over a year ago, I never saw her do anything but serve. She could have spent her last year being selfish, but she spent it being self-less. She was unbelievable.

Even though we all know what death is, something about it is incredibly wild to try and intellectualize. I have some great friends that I haven't seen in a long time...Tracy in Austin...haven't seen in probably 5 years....but she occupies space, somewhere in TX. She is matter. She is tangible and real. She takes up space, at all times. I haven't seen my dad in 2 years, but likewise, he takes up space. He exists. There are people I have never met, that have impacted me (authors, bloggers, newsmakers)....people I've never seen with my own eyes, but I know they are matter and they occupy a space. Death elminates our space. It's like.....poof. I don't know a smart way to say it, so I'll repeat......"poof". It ends people. It really does. Maybe today, maybe in 60 more years, but it ends here on this earth......and then we either take up residence with the one and only God of the Universe, or not. These living, breathing moments that we occupy space need to matter.

Do you occupy meaningful space or wasted space? (don't answer that, its rhetorical...but THINK about it!)

Have a Cow!

Well, I'd like to admit upfront that I have no idea what the future holds. Don't we sometimes think we do? Well, I'd suggest we do think we know, because of all the plans that we make...we must be assuming something. But then how often are plans derailed, or a new path shown? The answer to that, in my case, is "more often than not". But that's cool....I'm okay with that.

Here are some plans of mine that never did manifest into reality in my life:

1. I was going to marry Paul Story, the love of my life. He was killed in a car accident. (Derailed)
2. I tried to join the Air Force when Spencer was very young. They wanted me, but God allowed Spencers father to serve as a road block in that plan. That plan was supposed to help me provide for Spencer and secure a college scholarship for myself. (Derailed).
3. I wanted to open a children's clothing store several years ago. I couldn't come up with the funds. (Derailed)

Here are a few realities that I never planned:

1. Joe and I never intended to have children when we got married. God changed both our hearts after the first year. (New path).
2. I never intended to work in Real Estate as a full time career. Through an involutary job change and the needs of my children....it became a necessity. (New path)
3. I planned on giving birth to perfectly healthy, "normal" children. (New path)


I look back on the plans I had that were derailed. I'll be honest.....I've never been blessed through the loss of Paul. I'd have him be alive and well right this minute. But I can say that being forced to let go of a love, and being forced to KNOW that tomorrow isn't promised, has made me stronger, and more realistic. The other derailments were total blessings. The childrens' clothing store for example.....if I had to be tied to a retail business today I'd be miserable, and I thank God that He didn't allow my strong will to win that battle.

The new paths have been incredible blessings as well.....in such monumental proportions that I cannot describe them in words. I love having these tots in my house. I love that Shawn is "special" and I completely appreciate the career that I have. If I were to thank God a million times a day, it would not be enough.

I'm in the process of making another plan. I do not know if it will be in accordance with God's will, if it will be "derailed", or if we will be shown a "new path" instead. I'd love to sell our house next year and buy something on a piece of land where we could have a horse and a cow. I have always always forever and a day, I have wanted a horse. I always will. Joe wants a cow. I know....whatever.....but if I get a horse then he should have a cow. I'm excited that my dear friend Pam has horses, lives nearby, and is willing to teach me how to take care of them....so that I can know for sure if that is something I can handle. I just think it would be great fun for the family...and depending on what God provides, might even be fun for the community. We shall see. For this to happen for our family, we would most likely move into a tiny house and sleep in bunk beds....but I don't really care. : ) I wonder how this will turn out.

Forgiveness?

I'm angry with someone.
That someone asked me for forgiveness.

Forgiving isn't the hard part for me. In fact, something about forgiveness comes natural to me and I am deeply grateful to God for that. But then there is this one little problem......... my mind works and it remembers e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.....with 99.9% accuracy.

I don't believe in bringing up old issues....whether it is my friends, my parents, my spouse, co-worker...whatever. If it has been forgiven, then I need to never bring it up again, and true, I would appreicate the same. But doesn't that "old" wound tend to direct your next move in some situations? Aren't I likely to withhold some of myself, if someone previously damaged a part of my self?

Moving forward with someone who leaves a scar is so complicated. Choosing forgiveness is right but can leave you vulnerable. I'm working on this. I'd like to trust that my forgiveness will be respected and that my heart will be protected.

Even after writing this, I'm not really angry. Just hurt. Hurt is more than enough. We just have to learn not to put our faith and trust in people. God is the only One who cannot let us down. His is the only perfect love. And we should forgive our human counterparts because we have received the gift of forgiveness. Grace. Pay it forward.